Titanium

The reason for my quietness actually is a quite pleasant one. I have spent most of last week and beginning of this week at the beachhouse down in mandurah. There we have no internet connection and my smartphone's 3G comes in quite hand but limits my access by far. The last three weekends I have spent at the house in Perth by myself so I would be able to meet friends and have a little break before three full on weeks.

Aaall the infos about Mandurah; our new friend Anja, future plans etc will be posted with the beginning of next week at the latest! Why did I not post about it on the just passed free weekend?

Well to be quite honest I didnt feel too well. On Friday I took the kids to the movies ("Turbo" expected it to be horrible but it actually is pretty funny!! I laughed out loud !) and had a fun play night with Anja and Florian. On Friday already my nose was quite stuffy and my eyes all watery. Either allergies (its spring after all) or just a light cold.

For saturday we had planned to go to the horse races at 12 and go dancing at night. Well.. I got up at eight wanting to get stuff done and thinking I would be skyping at 11, which frankly never happened. Anyway I started feeling horible. All I really wanted was tea, a movie, warmth and a nap. So i kept trying to get through to Flow to tell him, he and Anja should just go by themselves. At 11:30 I got his message saying he was still in bed. Lucky for me, horse racing was cancelled.

And then at night, when the excitingly 5$ affordable Deen was supposed to be a super fun girl night (Florian stayed home) my enthusiastic spirits were crushed.

You think you would detect an idiot on the dancefloor. The one with his hair all sculpted trying to grab you. Not the one with the brown curly hair and the buttoned shirt that breathes in deepy multiple times and pats himself on the chest before being able to talk to me. Not the one who makes goofy faces, steals my nose, makes me laugh the whole time and pulls ridiculous dance moves. Not the English one who speaks great German with you because his grandma lived there. But it will be exactly him! Even worse. You start thinkin he is a cool ude to hang out with because he hasnt actually had much to drink and, well, after all he did start talking to you in long pants and a top compared to all those girls following the motto "less is more". Or "boobs and butt all the way".

Well except he did all most kiss you the one time. But that was a funny accident which he looked embarassed about. And even later when he pulls you close and you draw back its aaaall fine. Just then it happens more often. And you dont want to dance so close.

"Why are you scared?", he asked. But I am not scared. I am just confused. Why is he annoyed at me?

"What do you want?" An honest question on my part. Not meant in a bad way because he does seem like a super nice guy but maybe I should clarify I am not looking for that kind of fun. Except it all goes bad from then on.

He explodes with rage.

"Why does a guy always have to have something? I am not like everyone else! You dont trust me you generalize me! There are a hundred girls in there That would be so easy. Look at them! Why do you think I chose you? You are beautiful - no you are - and its hard for a guy, when you look at hin like that!"

I was so truly sorry and I told him. I didnt think he was one of them, remember? An now I've ruined it all! He didnt care though. He was so upset with me turned away. It was  just when he saw me tearing up that he came back, wanted to give me a hug. Did I even want to be hugged? I wanted all to be good and everyone to be happy. Anja was somewhere in the crowd talkig to all his friends, getting along great. I didnt want to destroy the whole thing.

"What are you scared about? Whats the worst the can happen?" Lets think really hard now. Which bad things can happen? I could feel dirty and disgusting about myself, hate the sight of me, feel miserable, be disappointed in whoever, add to the list of bad experiences I have made with men/guys. I think thats bad enough and that doesnt even include the really bad things like possibly being drugged or rape or whatever.

I didnt answer his question. Listened to him talk about how stupid women are for wanting to get to know everybody.

"I think you are beautiful for the night and we can just have fun for the night and thats it. But women dont understand." Wait, are you saying: you didnt buy me a drink didnt give me your phonenumber like your friends did with Anja because you ARE like everyone else! Because you dont want to be friends, you dont want to be more, you just want to 'have fun' with me for today. Because tomorrow I will have a different face.

Why did I try to fix it all? Go back dancing with him, let him get too close for comfort? Because I am dumb and only realize too let that I should stand up for myself.

We left shortly after, were picked up by Flo, who took me home. I crie in the car later because I am so disappointed in guys. And especially myself. I should have never asked I should have just kept rejecting his trying to get close until he got bored. I should have been mad. It should have been ME getting upset with him.

I wasnt scared! I was uncomfortable! I ddnt want to be close to him, because i dont want to be that girl! Thts why i didnt show up there half naked! Thats why i didnt dance all sexy! Because i was there to dance, to goof off with people, not go snogging with them. Why does he cared what my reason for being scared could be? He has no right to know and i have a great right to keep it to myself! He should just accept that fact! And I should have turned him away all the way!

But especially I am mad because I let these things bother me. Driving Brett to Mandurah train station Sunday evening I stopped before going back. Because I held back tears the whole way there and I needed to call Florian. He said something very paradox to me:

"This is not like you. Usually you wake up in the morning and are all good and happy again!" But I am never when it comes to guys. They bother me beyond anything. Interesting then, that all I hope for is THAT guy. Maybe because no one I have met was that one guy for me. 

On momday I asked Kirstie if I could have a talk to her later. Brett was there as well but I actually didnt bother his presence at all and just told them briefly. Tearing up again of course.

"Come here." Kirsie said and I didnt need asking twice. I sat next to here on the sofa and gave her a big hug. When she talked to me ("this is when you need your mum and dad") it even sounded like her coice was getting croaky.

"You didnt do anything wrong.", she assured me and that I shouldnt be feeling bad. I was so thankful for this hug as I havent been for one in a long time. She will make a great mum to teenagers and young adults later a well.

Brett had a different take on the story.

"Dont be bothered by boys. Having been one before i know they dont go to the club to socialize. You go chat up some girls.." Then we talked about how they met and how long it took and i just felt so so much better. How could I not? These people are truly amazing and when Katie tells me "why do you have to put make up on? You dont look bad!" I smilingly ignore her advice but love her for the compliment in it. Lizzy who waits on my be for me every night and has apparently been whining in it this weekend. How I will miss them!

Anyhow, its hard to keep your head from spinning and thinking an worrying. Its hard to remember things which have passed and not feeling the same feelings. At least for me it is. I can cry and hurt at situations long excluded from other's memories because I can recall the exact misery it brought. Probably not a good trait to have.

I have made a decision though. I cannot promise myself not to care and not to worry, but I will try to follow the lyrics I sing with so much enthusiasm.

"I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away. You shoot me down, but I wont fall, I am titanium!" Good somg for the record. "What doesnt kill you makes younstronger, stand a little taller, doesnt mean I am lonely, when I'm alone.", is another one to put on that list. Its like a new years resolution without the new year part. I will not be put down by guys unless they are very very very special. Like Jan, Nate, Hanno, Flo and those really really special and much loved men in my family. You guys are worth the sorrow if you ever bring it upon me. 

Yes, it is sad to be sharing my shower with a spider, but I will live, right?

So, lucky for me on a very special occasion yesterday, i did find love. Like ll the men he did hurt, in his case because he just couldnt give me space in the relationship. Not even room to take care of the kids. So I am not sure if he is the right one for me.

Want to know how the two of us met? Just tune it for the next blogposts and you will hear some exciting news and descriptions of all thats been going on. And yes! They will be the good parts, which is why I would like to spent more time on them.

I love you all and I am thankful beyong anything to be able to say that. I love you because each pf you is a great person and so meaningful and important to my life. You make my small heart so big with all the love that fills it.

Thank you so much for being there and being so significant to me. You make me who I am and that sometimes is annoying and grumpy but often enough a joyful and nice and fun person.

Thank you my dears,

Flipper