1. Es kommt immer anders, und 2. als man denkt

Rückblende, sieben Tage zuvor.

Ich schaue mir die Fotos meines Cousins an, der gerade in Arizona ist und mitten in seiner Ausbildung als Pilot bei der Lufthansa steckt. - Die Lufthansa, stellt die überhaupt noch neue Piloten ein, denke ich mir und nur so nebenbei schaue ich das im Karriereportal schnell mal nach, schließlich wollte ich das bis vor wenigen Jahren auch mal machen.

So weit, so gut, doch dann springt mir auf der Startseite ein Banner entgegen: "Flugbegleiter für die Sommersaison gesucht"

Hmm, denke ich, man kann es sich ja zumindest mal durchlesen.

Aus unterschiedlichen Gründen, und wohl auch durch den Mix aller Gegebenheiten, hatte ich schon vorher darüber nachgedacht, früher aus Australien zurückzukehren. Die Jobsituation hatte sich nicht positiv verändert, und ich selbst hatte mir mit meiner Wohnung ja auch wieder gewisse Einschränkungen auferlegt; ohne Wohnung das ist auch nicht so meins und mein Budget wird natürlich von Tag zu Tag ein Stück mehr strapaziert - diese Sorte von Gegebenheiten unter anderem...

Für den Fall hatte ich mir über mögliche Alternativen Gedanken gemacht und mir einen roten Faden für die Zukunft zurechtgelegt. Und wenn ich das große Ganze sehe, dann bereue ich den Schritt nicht, hergeflogen zu sein. Auch wenn es nicht die klassisch-optimale Backpackererfahrung ist, so hat es mich persönlich sicher ein Stück voran gebracht. :)

Nun, zurück zu letztem Donnerstag.

Flugbegleiter, das hätte natürlich auch so seinen Reiz. Man kommt viel rum, erlebt eine Menge, lernt haufenweise Leute kennen, kann das alles mit der Exklusivität des Fliegens verbinden und verdient auch noch Geld dabei.

Wenn nicht jetzt, dann nie mehr! Oder wer steigt nach dem Studium für zwei Jahre nochmal komplett aus? Eben! Und wenn es nicht klappt, ist ja auch nicht schlimm.

Wieso also nicht bewerben, du hast nichts zu verlieren, es wäre eine coole Sache und wahrscheinlich klappt es eh nicht, so viele wie sich da wohl bewerben.

An dieser Stelle kommt wohl der Titel ins Spiel.

Kurz gesagt: Die ersten drei von vier Auswahlrunden habe ich hinter mir und bin zum Assessment Center nach Frankfurt eingeladen... :-)))

6599 Stunden werden für mich zu 100 Tagen. Aber es ist nicht das Ende, ich komm klar! Und bin fest entschlossen nochmal zurückzukehren eines Tages. ;-) Als Student oder Urlauber, wer weiß das schon...

Bis ich fliege gibt es aber bestimmt noch das ein oder andere zu berichten, das soll hier noch nicht sowas wie mein Abschied sein :P

In diesem Sinne,

Lopaka 

AlbaDenPole

Zugegebenermaßen, ich bin hier in letzter Zeit ein wenig in der Versenkung verschwunden. Freut euch also, dass es nun so einiges nachzuholen gibt - das Auto ist weg, wir waren auf einem Campingtrip, haben einen Ausritt in den Hills unternommen und ich habe endlich Gelegenheit zum Geocachen gefunden.

Auf den Tag genau zwei Wochen ist es jetzt her, dass Stan von uns gegangen - wurde.

Die Marketingstrategie war ganz besonders ausgefuchst: ein vorgetäuschter Rabatt auf der einen Seite und eine ganz spezielle Zielgruppe auf der anderen: Backpacker, die dümmsten Autokäufer überhaupt!

Keine 24 Stunden, nachdem ich die Anzeigen ausgehängt hatte, kam die erste SMS und wenig später stand der Termin. 

Montag Vormittag trafen wir uns also am Parkplatz an Kings Park. Vanessa und Lluis aus Stuttgart, zu dem Zeitpunkt seit 6 Tagen in Australien, wie ich aber erst hinterher so richtig herausgefunden habe.

Zuerst dachte ich, Lluis hätte gar nicht so wenig Ahnung, als er anfing durch den Motor und an den Rädern zu schauen. Doch als er im Bremsflüssigkeitsbehälter nach dem Servoöl suchte regte sich erste Skepis. Beim Starten drehte er den Anlasser weiter und warf mir ob der ungesunden Geräusche einen erstaunten Blick zu - nach einer kurzen Lektion "Wie starte ich ein Auto?" setzten wir den Rundgang fort.

Nach einer aufregenden Probefahrt (" 'Wie schnell darf man hier eigentlich? - '60' -'Oh ich fahr ja schon 80' ") einigten wir uns schließlich, Kaufvertrag, Bank, fertig. So schnell kann's gehen und mir ist ein großer Stein vom Herzen gefallen!

Auf einen fahrbaren Untersatz wollte ich aber dennoch nicht verzichten. Zwar war zu Fuß einkaufen Dank der Investition in Laufschuhe kein Problem, doch es dauert eben alles länger.

Also habe ich an erster Stelle natürlich Gumtree angeworfen und auf Fahrräder durchsucht. In meiner Nähe gab es aber erstens nur wenige Angebote und zweitens sollten für z. T. doch sehr pflegebedürftige Drahtesel noch 50$ rausspringen. Was macht man also, wenn man ein billiges Fahrrad sucht? - Genau, man geht zu Kmart. Von Stans Verkaufserlös habe ich 80$ sofort reinvestiert, fahre durch die Gegend, zum Shopping Centre und spare mir zumindest ein bisschen Public Transport :)

In besagter Woche wurden die Planungen für den Wochenendtrip nach Albany immer fleißiger vorangetrieben, sodass wir Freitag Morgen schließlich unseren Mietwagen abholen könnten.

Ein Toyota Corolla mit Zelt auf dem Dach, das ganze nebnt sich dann 'Minicamper'. Dieses Konzept hat mich restlos überzeugt, wenn ich groß bin, will ich sowas auch für mein Auto haben :P

Zum Vergleich, damit ihr euch die Distanzen besser vorstellen könnt:

Es wäre so, als würde man von Aachen nach München fahren, um dort im Umkreis von 50km etwas zu machen...! Für europäische Verhältnisse klingt das bescheuert, doch hier spult der Tacho naturgemäß ein wenig schneller.

Unser Camper war erst um neun bereit für den Pickup, und mit allem Papierkram und der Gepäckrunde war es schon später Vormittag, ehe wir aus Perth rausfuhren. Der Freitag ging auch eigentlich gänzlich für die Fahrt drauf, wir kamen bei später Dämmerung an unserem "Campingstrand" an. Ich fand den Weg dorthin auf jeden Fall erheblich reizvoller als in Dunsborough, denn dort unten gibt es wenigstens Hügel und Abwechslung in der Landschaft, bevor alles in einem schönen weißen Strand und einer tosenden Brandung ausläuft.

Einziger Wermutstropfen war wieder einmal das Wetter, welches insbesondere in der ersten Nacht so einige Kapriolen geschlagen hatte. Es war verdammt kalt in den billigen Sommerschlafsäcken, noch dazu regnete es in der Nacht heftig und der Wind hatte den Geräuschen zufolge bei dem Dachzelt eine hervorragende Angriffsfläche.

Durch den Umstand, dass man sich auf solchen Trips in die "Wildnis" wohl oder übel nach dem Lauf der Sonne richten muss, gingen wir schon um halb neun ins Bett, standen dafür aber schon kurz nach Sonnenaufgang wieder auf. Frühstückspicknick am Strand lautete unser Plan, und so waren wir natürlich begeistert, als eine Windböe ordentlich Sand ins Müsli blies! ;-)

Was wir dann Samstag gemacht haben, zeigen diese Bilder wohl besser als 1000 Worte...

Greens Pool

Elephant Rocks

Tree Top Walk

Zum Tree Top Walk muss gesagt werden: Es lohnt sich nicht für 15$! Ein 600m langer Rundweg durch den Wald, nur eben in 30-40m Höhe. Man kommt aber nie über die Baumspitzen hinaus, was vielleicht ja seinen Reiz hätte. So ist es nur nett, aber leider viel zu überteuert.

Dem "Park" muss man allerdings zugute halten, dass seine Mitarbeiter sehr hilfsbereit sind. So haben wir im Souvenir Shop gefragt, ob man uns einen Campingplatz empfehlen kann, und siehe da, man kann.

In Fernhook Falls (another 35km to go) trafen wir kurz vor der Dämmerung ein, bauten das Zelt auf und begaben uns auf die Suche nach Feuerholz, denn wir hatten uns einen Platz mit Feuerstelle gegriffen. Das Feuerholz Depot war nur leider leer, mit Ästen klappte es nicht wirklich und auch die großzügige Spende von drei großen Scheiten brachte zunächst nichts, da uns kleine Anzünder fehlten. Erst der Hardcore-Camper aus Brisbane ("Wir campen nicht oft, das letzte mal vor drei Monaten") konnte die Misere auflösen und uns endlich das warme Lagerfeuer bescheren.

Nach einer noch kälteren Nacht als zuvor fuhren wir am Morgen (diesmal mit Müsli ohne Sanddekor) ab, Richtung Conspicious Cliffs in Walpole.

Hier verläuft ein Stück des Bibbulmun-Tracks, ein Wanderweg, der sich durch den kompletten Westen/Südwesten zieht. Davon abgesehen hatte aber auch die Bucht einiges zu bieten.

Wer mitgezählt hat weiß, wir sind bei Sonntag Nachmittag angekommen, und das bedeutet: Den Rückweg antreten... Nach dem Essen ging es direkt auf die Piste und sechs Stunden zurück nach Perth.

Gut, dass wir das Auto ohnehin erst Montag wieder zurückbringen konnten, so blieb wenigstens genügend Zeit zum Ausräumen und Saubermachen.

Nun ist das ja auch schon wieder eine Woche her, und eine Kleinigkeit gibt es auch von diesem Sonntag zu berichten. Gestern hatten wir unseren Reitausflug in den Hills.

Es ist allemal eine nette Erfahrung, nicht zuletzt wegen der Landschaft, doch ein passionierter Reiter werde ich wohl nicht. Und wenn, dann lerne ich es vernünftig und quäle nicht irgendwelche "Tourenpferde"! Ich glaube, "Mick" war schon ein wenig genervt von mir und ich möchte es ihm nicht verübeln.

Auch wenn in diesem Post viel Zeit in "wenig" Text verarbeitet werden wollte, und hier oder da etwas unter den Tisch gefallen ist, so hoffe ich doch, dass es denjenigen gefällt, die bis zum Ende durchgehalten haben :-P Ich werd versuchen, wieder eher zu schreiben, sobald es etwas gibt ;)

Herzlichst,

Lopaka

Mandjar, the meeting place

For the past two weeks I have pretty much lived in a different world. Just a little bit though. (Kids were allowed to eat lots of lollies, watch a lot of Tv, stay in their jamies all day, eat and eat, play whatever they liked and so forth.
For the kids holidays we went down to the Suburb Dawesville, Mandurah, (originally called Mandjar by the Noongar people). However, we didn’t really live in the suburb but on one more secluded road, right by the ocean. Here sheds face big villas and everyone has a long enough driveway to themselves. Our drive has a little ‘valley’, so the kids love to ride scooters and skateboards up and down. This street is the most peculiar one I have ever been on! Ragged sheds face big villas, always depending on how much the owner was willing to pay.

Our house here is small with one bedroom downstairs, which I shared with the kids, and bedroom, living room and kitchen upstairs. There also is a beautiful balcony facing the dunes and the sea, as well as the drive way and front yard in order to have an eye on the playing children. It is dominated by comfortable couches. Three in the living room, one on the balcony and neat sofa chairs in the garage shed. There is no television, but since it’s the holidays the kids are allowed a few movies on the laptop before bedtime, when it is too dark and cold to play outside.

This lower one, with the long drive way, is ours.

In general there is no way not to spend a lot of time outside there, which left me pretty tired. Walking the dog multiple times a day, as there is no fence in the garden to keep her from chasing rabbits and roos. Talking the kids out to the beach at least twice, going to the zoo, walking to the playground, hanging up laundry and so forth. This leaves me pretty tired at the end of each day! It is easy to go outside though, and enjoyable since the sun usually shines now. I love walking barefoot everywhere. Even to the playground which is basically surrounded more by dunes than houses. Being able to walk barefoot is good, since it prevents tan lines on my feet. Yes! You read right! I get tan lines and I actually am quite tan. Relatively speaking yes, but definitely visible and my neck has crispy dark spots! You will not recognize this chocolate, when I come home. 

Since most of the surrounding homes are holiday houses, human encounters tend to be pretty rare - animal encounters even higher! As I mentioned I shared a romantic shower with a spider, but besides this a lot of little worms and snails crawl along the drive way and if one isn’t careful enough the downstairs bathroom. We even found a beautiful dried up emerald beetle in the sand. My most intense animal meetings have been with mozzies and roos. The 21 mosquito bites I was given within 5 minutes still itch terribly! Although I am happily surprised every time still, I have gotten used to looking to the side and seeing a kangaroo pop up on the lawn or between some bushes. Today alone I met them in the morning after a walk on the beach and again when I drove up to Mandurah train station.

At this point I will throw in one very special activity of this week - a visit to Peel Zoo, which had me go up close to a few animals. It’s a zoo specialized on Australian animals. The Zoo itself is very small and pretty expensive, but features four “Streichelzoos”. Four areas in which you could cuddle and feed selected animals. I do not want to spend too much time talking about the time at the zoo, except it is where I met my boyfriend! 

Just for Mama -> this beauty. Because I know how much you love birds :)

That big black bird, that all of a sudden hopped onto my arm to eat the seeds in my hand. With perfect timing, another bird bit Alastair, who burst into tears and came toward me crying. I didn’t have bandaids and I couldn’t have brought any, because he used all of them up with his many deadly injuries. To free my hands I hopped up and down as the woman at the reception had advised us. And yes, the bird moved but different from what I expected, didn’t fly away. Instead it dug its claws into my shoulder, determined to not let go of me, but instead try eating my hat. Well, lets go piraty then. With my new friend moving positions from shoulder to shoulder to get a better bite at my hat, I pulled out my water bottle to first of all clean Al’s hands and later wrap a tissue around, which I had asked for from a nearby couple.

“I am never going in there again and I absolutely hate birds!”, Alastair sniffed. 

To cheer him up we went back to our friends the kangaroos. They really are very curious animals! The most creepy thing are their little Joeys, their babies. When they actually stick their head out of the bag, which Playmobil makes us believe they do, they are pretty adorable. That position, though cute, must be pretty uncomfortable because they rather hide their heads deep down mommy’s fur and prefer letting their abnormally long legs sticking out.
“Mrs Kangaroo! But why, you have to legs sticking out your stomach!” But those mommy’s didn’t care at all. Their protective instinct did not seem to ever have existed, because it was no problem for my kiddies to pat theirs! I must say I bribed the roos towards me with those apparently delicious seeds, but they did love me for it!

As did the sheep and deer in another section, but those a little too much! They loved the seeds so much, they nearly knocked me over. Sheep are cute and all that, but when about ten of them crowd around you and snap at your hand all you want is out. And I haven’t even mentioned that Emu with its hole ears and that creepy stare! I found the peacock who greeted us with his show off performance at the reception much prettier. There he stood presenting that gorgeous fan of feathers and moved around slightly as if to say: “Now, what do you say to that? Want a better view? Yes, please take pictures. My secretaries will sign them for you.”

At first he seemed friendly...

THEN THIS!

The famous Tasmanian devil we have a baking glove of. Did you know they teeth are sharp enough to bite through bone? Well, these are the animals which bite a whole into sheep and live in them until they have eaten them from the inside out. (At least James told me this story.) Pretty creepy right? They do look vicious.

Peacocks, pheasants, chickens and geese were all wandering around freely in the zoo and when we left, we even encountered them outside of the zoo heading towards the parking lot to get a ride home after a long day of work.

Yes, I know what you are wondering. We did see Koalas, but they were sleeping. So... I don’t have much to say about them. The fourth ‘walk in area’ contained alpacas. One was quite gentle, the other one pretty greedy. Lots of food, but please no pats. Whenever the kids went for his bush of hair he abruptly turned away as if saying: “Don’t touch this. Denenena, nena, nena - Don’t touch this. Hammer Time!” You can imagine what I listened to the kids singing on the way home. Speaking of which...

To the beach it’s only a three minute walking and the dog goes absolutely mad there! The kids as well dig holes, jump off the dunes, build sanding castles and pose for my photos. I myself either just sit bathing in the sun, photograph or collect shells over shells. The normal shells here are absolutely gorgeous! We would be going ecstatic in Europe to be finding even one of them. My favorites are white twisty ones, sometimes sporting brown specks.

As you can tell my life in the holidays is pretty simple. Walk the dog when getting up, make food, clean, play with the kids, walk to the beach, make food, clean, walk to the playground, supervise tidying up, make food, clean, tuck Katie in, walk the dog, relax. Walking the dog should probably be in there more often. I never realized how often she needs to wee.

Even hanging up the laundry feels oddly satisfying. At the back of the house on a long old fashioned washing line, while the sun heats your neck and you put up one piece after the other seeing just a streak of blue water between the bushes. Then your surroundings fall into shadow and you look up, worried about possible rain. However, the clouds in the sky are radiant white in front of the deep blue hue which promises the sun will be back in a few seconds.

Over everything the waves build a steady rhythm. Water draws back and for one second there is a silent pause before the wave breaks forcefully. When it rises up high you see the picked up sand swirl around in its body. Sometimes they crash like thunder when a large wave falls down onto the water. Majestic and wild unlike those french or Belgian beaches where tons of tourists crowd the grey water, or maybe blue at the cote d'azur. At the same time the sound of the waves is not as soothing as we are used to it. More like a steady swooshing sound. As I said, more forceful and dominant.

Helow, Puppy. You are so cute. Thank you for waiting in my bed for me every night.

It's pretty difficult to get an impressive photograph of the surf, but did I mention we get glorious sunsets as well down here?

On top of it the stars here are magnificent. Bright. Yes so bright that one of them (maybe a planet) cast a light streak onto the sea. There i sat cuddled up with katie, sheltering each other from the wind which blew the days stress away.

Overall I feel like these holidays let me bond even more with the kids. With James I still wasn’t sure. He always seems a little distant and didn’t really agree with Katie, that I was part of the family the other day, which really made me sad. Today, however, they all made me cry a little. I said goodbye to them for Florian, Anja’s and my trip down South this weekend. There was to be a swap at the train station, where Brett would arrive, take over the car and I would take off in the train back to Perth. Katie, as always, was very sad about being parted for those few days. She requested multiple hugs and sniffed at the idea of me leaving for (almost) good in a month. James and Al made it a more simple good bye, not really seeming to care. I got in the care, Katie standing next to the door and trying to sneak in with her PJs already on. Then James stuck his head out the door and shouted “I want to go with to Albany.” Then he came out all the way with the dog and the three of them stood next to the care, while I started the engine - actually blowing me kisses, even James! Saying “Goodbye, goodbye!”. I waved at them through the open window. “BYE SHIWIN!” That was Al standing on the Balcony and waving as well, while James and Katie followed the car backing up the drive way. Then even Kirstie hopped out on the balcony and I waved at all of them and felt like I was leaving for much longer than three days. The whole thing might have been a little exaggerated by me and the kids partly, by putting on old fashioned voices in the beginning, but I still feel deeply touched. I have found yet another family and yet another home. Katie made the promise to keep me up to date with the things going on and to keep sending some pictures. If my plan of coming back here in Fall works, the ‘then’ in ‘until then’ won’t even be all to far away.

It is certain however, that I will feel immensely lonely when I arrive at my new destination Adelaide a few weeks from now - but, I am not at that point yet. First I have to get through sleeping not in but on a car, making those horrid school lunches again and that old school routine, which all of sudden seems so surreal and far away.

This is my favorite one of them. Just look at Alastair, to the left, rocking it! He is a little super man. Then there are Princess Katie and James my dear goofball. 

I will get back to you, when I am back to the normal life. Or shall I say, more normal life.

Sending some sunshine your way,

Flipper

PS: I will send more pictures (YES there are more) to the family, anyone else besides the usual suspects who would like to see some?

Titanium

The reason for my quietness actually is a quite pleasant one. I have spent most of last week and beginning of this week at the beachhouse down in mandurah. There we have no internet connection and my smartphone's 3G comes in quite hand but limits my access by far. The last three weekends I have spent at the house in Perth by myself so I would be able to meet friends and have a little break before three full on weeks.

Aaall the infos about Mandurah; our new friend Anja, future plans etc will be posted with the beginning of next week at the latest! Why did I not post about it on the just passed free weekend?

Well to be quite honest I didnt feel too well. On Friday I took the kids to the movies ("Turbo" expected it to be horrible but it actually is pretty funny!! I laughed out loud !) and had a fun play night with Anja and Florian. On Friday already my nose was quite stuffy and my eyes all watery. Either allergies (its spring after all) or just a light cold.

For saturday we had planned to go to the horse races at 12 and go dancing at night. Well.. I got up at eight wanting to get stuff done and thinking I would be skyping at 11, which frankly never happened. Anyway I started feeling horible. All I really wanted was tea, a movie, warmth and a nap. So i kept trying to get through to Flow to tell him, he and Anja should just go by themselves. At 11:30 I got his message saying he was still in bed. Lucky for me, horse racing was cancelled.

And then at night, when the excitingly 5$ affordable Deen was supposed to be a super fun girl night (Florian stayed home) my enthusiastic spirits were crushed.

You think you would detect an idiot on the dancefloor. The one with his hair all sculpted trying to grab you. Not the one with the brown curly hair and the buttoned shirt that breathes in deepy multiple times and pats himself on the chest before being able to talk to me. Not the one who makes goofy faces, steals my nose, makes me laugh the whole time and pulls ridiculous dance moves. Not the English one who speaks great German with you because his grandma lived there. But it will be exactly him! Even worse. You start thinkin he is a cool ude to hang out with because he hasnt actually had much to drink and, well, after all he did start talking to you in long pants and a top compared to all those girls following the motto "less is more". Or "boobs and butt all the way".

Well except he did all most kiss you the one time. But that was a funny accident which he looked embarassed about. And even later when he pulls you close and you draw back its aaaall fine. Just then it happens more often. And you dont want to dance so close.

"Why are you scared?", he asked. But I am not scared. I am just confused. Why is he annoyed at me?

"What do you want?" An honest question on my part. Not meant in a bad way because he does seem like a super nice guy but maybe I should clarify I am not looking for that kind of fun. Except it all goes bad from then on.

He explodes with rage.

"Why does a guy always have to have something? I am not like everyone else! You dont trust me you generalize me! There are a hundred girls in there That would be so easy. Look at them! Why do you think I chose you? You are beautiful - no you are - and its hard for a guy, when you look at hin like that!"

I was so truly sorry and I told him. I didnt think he was one of them, remember? An now I've ruined it all! He didnt care though. He was so upset with me turned away. It was  just when he saw me tearing up that he came back, wanted to give me a hug. Did I even want to be hugged? I wanted all to be good and everyone to be happy. Anja was somewhere in the crowd talkig to all his friends, getting along great. I didnt want to destroy the whole thing.

"What are you scared about? Whats the worst the can happen?" Lets think really hard now. Which bad things can happen? I could feel dirty and disgusting about myself, hate the sight of me, feel miserable, be disappointed in whoever, add to the list of bad experiences I have made with men/guys. I think thats bad enough and that doesnt even include the really bad things like possibly being drugged or rape or whatever.

I didnt answer his question. Listened to him talk about how stupid women are for wanting to get to know everybody.

"I think you are beautiful for the night and we can just have fun for the night and thats it. But women dont understand." Wait, are you saying: you didnt buy me a drink didnt give me your phonenumber like your friends did with Anja because you ARE like everyone else! Because you dont want to be friends, you dont want to be more, you just want to 'have fun' with me for today. Because tomorrow I will have a different face.

Why did I try to fix it all? Go back dancing with him, let him get too close for comfort? Because I am dumb and only realize too let that I should stand up for myself.

We left shortly after, were picked up by Flo, who took me home. I crie in the car later because I am so disappointed in guys. And especially myself. I should have never asked I should have just kept rejecting his trying to get close until he got bored. I should have been mad. It should have been ME getting upset with him.

I wasnt scared! I was uncomfortable! I ddnt want to be close to him, because i dont want to be that girl! Thts why i didnt show up there half naked! Thats why i didnt dance all sexy! Because i was there to dance, to goof off with people, not go snogging with them. Why does he cared what my reason for being scared could be? He has no right to know and i have a great right to keep it to myself! He should just accept that fact! And I should have turned him away all the way!

But especially I am mad because I let these things bother me. Driving Brett to Mandurah train station Sunday evening I stopped before going back. Because I held back tears the whole way there and I needed to call Florian. He said something very paradox to me:

"This is not like you. Usually you wake up in the morning and are all good and happy again!" But I am never when it comes to guys. They bother me beyond anything. Interesting then, that all I hope for is THAT guy. Maybe because no one I have met was that one guy for me. 

On momday I asked Kirstie if I could have a talk to her later. Brett was there as well but I actually didnt bother his presence at all and just told them briefly. Tearing up again of course.

"Come here." Kirsie said and I didnt need asking twice. I sat next to here on the sofa and gave her a big hug. When she talked to me ("this is when you need your mum and dad") it even sounded like her coice was getting croaky.

"You didnt do anything wrong.", she assured me and that I shouldnt be feeling bad. I was so thankful for this hug as I havent been for one in a long time. She will make a great mum to teenagers and young adults later a well.

Brett had a different take on the story.

"Dont be bothered by boys. Having been one before i know they dont go to the club to socialize. You go chat up some girls.." Then we talked about how they met and how long it took and i just felt so so much better. How could I not? These people are truly amazing and when Katie tells me "why do you have to put make up on? You dont look bad!" I smilingly ignore her advice but love her for the compliment in it. Lizzy who waits on my be for me every night and has apparently been whining in it this weekend. How I will miss them!

Anyhow, its hard to keep your head from spinning and thinking an worrying. Its hard to remember things which have passed and not feeling the same feelings. At least for me it is. I can cry and hurt at situations long excluded from other's memories because I can recall the exact misery it brought. Probably not a good trait to have.

I have made a decision though. I cannot promise myself not to care and not to worry, but I will try to follow the lyrics I sing with so much enthusiasm.

"I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away. You shoot me down, but I wont fall, I am titanium!" Good somg for the record. "What doesnt kill you makes younstronger, stand a little taller, doesnt mean I am lonely, when I'm alone.", is another one to put on that list. Its like a new years resolution without the new year part. I will not be put down by guys unless they are very very very special. Like Jan, Nate, Hanno, Flo and those really really special and much loved men in my family. You guys are worth the sorrow if you ever bring it upon me. 

Yes, it is sad to be sharing my shower with a spider, but I will live, right?

So, lucky for me on a very special occasion yesterday, i did find love. Like ll the men he did hurt, in his case because he just couldnt give me space in the relationship. Not even room to take care of the kids. So I am not sure if he is the right one for me.

Want to know how the two of us met? Just tune it for the next blogposts and you will hear some exciting news and descriptions of all thats been going on. And yes! They will be the good parts, which is why I would like to spent more time on them.

I love you all and I am thankful beyong anything to be able to say that. I love you because each pf you is a great person and so meaningful and important to my life. You make my small heart so big with all the love that fills it.

Thank you so much for being there and being so significant to me. You make me who I am and that sometimes is annoying and grumpy but often enough a joyful and nice and fun person.

Thank you my dears,

Flipper